Sunday, October 23, 2005

To Northern Manitoba

I want to write something light but the creative juices aren't flowing. I looked at my writing portfolio from last year and I was surprised by some of the pieces, they were quite decent. I can't seem to be able to write anything these days, everything seems empty and cliche. There was a time when I wanted to be a writer but that was a long time ago. I just don't have the drive to do something like that; I think you've either got to have a great passion for it or a great ability. Unfortunately all the passion seems to have burned out of me a while back and I mean passion for anything. I feel broken inside and I don't know what happened to the person I was and if I can become that person again. I know everybody changes but I don't feel like I've changed so much as lost entire pieces of myself. I don't even try to fill the gaps anymore but sometimes, when I'm with certain people, I feel as though I'm the person I want to be again, just by talking to them or being held. Unfortunately that doesn't happen at home. Home is where I feel more broken than anywhere else, more of a failure and a disappointment, more alone, lost and hopeless. I need to find the strength in myself to be happy and self-sufficient, to make my choices and live with them instead of worrying about what my parents will think of them. I don't need to defy them, just to not be so horribly destroyed when they put down my ideas or aspirations. I need to be my own person but I don't think I can. At least not here and now. So I need to run away....


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