Jump! Jump!

As may have come across in previous posts, I have certain issues. I get depressed. I know everyone does, I just seem to get that way more often and do it more thoroughly than a lot of people. Then I don't know how to handle it and set about messing up my life by avoiding it ("it" refers to my life but perhaps should also refer to my depression). I also cut myself. I have a long list of reasons why I think I do that. They are probably stupid. The few people in my life who know about the cutting disapprove. So I try to stop. I've succeed for months at a go, then there always comes a slip-up. I've tried therapy. Didn't help much but on reflection I think my therapist, while very nice, wasn't right for me. I've never tried meds. Mostly out of a sense of fear that if I ask for them, I'll be told I'm stupid and don't need them and should get over myself. I feel that if I really needed them, someone would have noticed by now.

I've been especially suicidal of late but tonight I feel like I'm starting to come out of it. I'm going out tomorrow to watch a play with friends I don't really want to be with right now. I've just lost that sense of connection with them. I'm dreading the whole thing but I'm making myself go. Or at least I think I am right now. I might talk myself out of going by morning. On the other hand I might go but jump in front of a train on my way, which I really don't want to do. It strikes me as an inconsiderate and selfish way out. Honestly, I feel disconnected from reality, like my actions belong to someone else. I'm scaring myself a little since I don't feel like I know what I'm going to do next.