Sunday, January 28, 2007

Stabbed through the heart

I'm feeling especially inarticulate today. My best friend just gave up on me and walked away. That must say something. Either about how much our friendship was actually worth or about just how much of a mess I am. I'm in actual physical pain which is surprising. I try to steer away from melodrama but damn, my chest feels tight and my throat feels sore from trying not to cry. I'd be a little more credulous of the "it's for your own good, I've become a crutch," line if all of this hadn't happened on the day we were supposed to go to a walk-in about anti-depressants. I should be fair. I've been a drain, a veritable millstone around the neck of late. It was one of those "walk away before you drown too" situations. I know all that but I still feel abandoned, hurt, betrayed; like I can never trust anyone again. Had I been a better friend, I'd have been the one to walk away and do the right thing. I wasn't, I didn't. I let things drag on too long and now I feel so utterly lost. Don't tell me to pray, to keep busy, to fix my own damn life like an adult. I know what I should do. What I should do and what actually gets done are rarely the same thing.


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